Batman Loses Everything
by Darkspawndweller04
Summary: Someone sells Batman's business illegally and he loses everything his owns, including Alfred who goes to work in a café. Batman realises he's only good at sex. How will this help him! Contains: diarrhea, mucus and themes of financial ruin.


Batman sat on the floor of the Bat-cave. He was clutching his knees and crying. Batman was crying. Dressed as Batman. Alfred was kneeling beside him and was patting him on the back and holding a box of tissues.

"There, there Mr. Batman sir. I'm sure this happens all the time. How were you supposed to know that Wayne Enterprises was going to be sold illegally on the stock market? How were you supposed to know that you'd lose every cent you own? You're not the only bankrupt millionaire, sir." Alfred stated calmly as Batman bawled like a baby and buried his masked face in Alfred's tie. Mucus went everywhere. Batman started yelling "I don't care about my expensive penthouse or my supercar..." Alfred cut across him "That'd be cars sir. Plural."

"I don't care! I don't care about them! I care that I can't pay the rent of the Bat-cave..." Alfred spoke again, "You don't pay rent on the Bat-cave sir, it's just a cave that you inhabit." Batman began getting mucus everywhere again and Alfred started to get pissed.

"But Alfred! I can't pay the electricity bill! Or for the bat-gadgets! Of for YOU!" At this admission Alfred almost dropped the tissues and flatly said "That would be a problem sir." He looked down at the waterfall of tears and snot pooling onto his knees and patted Batman on the back. "It looks like we'll be getting jobs then sir." Batman grabbed Alfred by the tie again and almost stranged the aged man to death brutally by accident, "But Alfred! I failed high school! I can't do anything else!" Alfred looked at the shell of a man that had once been Bruce Batman Wayne and saw that he was sat bawling out his eyes still dressed like the Dark Knight. A single tear fell from his eye. He put down his tissue box and pulled Batman under his arm like a father would do to his son, took a notebook from his pocket and a pen from behind his ear. "Alright sir, let's write down what you're good at."

Four hours later and Batman was a wreck of humanity lying on the rug in the middle of the Bat-cave. The repossession men had already called to say that they had broken into his luxury penthouse and had reposesed EVERYTHING HE OWNED to pay off his debts to lots of angry people. He had to face the fact that he was alone in the world without any cash and that women would never want him again. He would have to become gay because only men would love him for who he truly was and despite his status as a cashless bum because men aren't so shallow. But they would never love him for being Batman...that part had to remain a secret.

"I can't believe that all the talents we can think of, sir, involve stunt driving, dating women and then pleasing women in your bed." Batman was proud of his and proudly said "It's true! I never once prematurely ejaculated." Alfred puked at this statement and he made Batman clean it up with his bare hands as life experience. They were both exhausted and so went to bed after Batman was done bleaching the puke stained floor.

In the morning Alfred found Batman asleep in the Batmobile in a massive puddle of his own liquid diarrhea. He had cried so much that he had shat himself unconscious and then had violent diarrhea everywhere. It was in a contained space and so it really reeked.

"Sir, get up and clean the shit off you and find a job! I've got an interview at ten with a man from a place called Dunkies. By the way Mr. Jordan called and gave his condolences. He said you're welcome at his Coast City apartment any day, but that you'd have to serve as his maid. And yes he did say maid and not butler." Batman looked at him horrified, "I couldn't possibly work for Hal! The shame!" Alfred got all serious...

"Then it's the sex industry for you then sir. It's all your good at apart from driving fast cars and I don't think you'd be suited to being a cab driver. Good luck sir. I'll come back when you can pay me. And here's the gloves and bleach you'll need to clean up your own diarrhea, I'm not being paid to anymore." And with that the aged man left.

Batman realised that now he was truly on his own. Poop exploded out of him in fear as he faced the horrible truth of working in the sex industry. It pooled at his feet and he passed out with the stench.

The end.

Will be continued in my next story!


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